So, here I am, forty weeks plus one day. A little over forty weeks ago, Jeff and I were climbing Fox Glacier in New Zealand, unaware of the tiny little spark of life glowing deep inside of me. We took helicopter rides up the mountainside and climbed inside of deep blue fissures in the ice. Later we would walk through the rain forests that sweep alongside the glacier before sharing a quiet dinner. I remember that Jeff poured me a bath that evening, and we enjoyed the quiet of the small New Zealand town before heading off the next morning to Queenstown. Days later we would be deep in the aftermath of the Christchurch earthquake. All the while, in utter silence, cells continued to quietly divide and multiply, and our lives were forever changed, although we didn't realize it at the time.
Forty weeks later, much has changed. I lost my father, and I feel much older than I did nine months ago. I also feel softer and more open towards the people around me. Perhaps this is what happens, sometimes, when you lose someone close to you…you feel more forgiving towards others, maybe because you recognize more fully the transient nature of this life we lead.
Or maybe it's the hormones.
Whatever it is, in these last days of my pregnancy I can do little other than sit and wait and contemplate. I wonder what this little person inside of me will be like, where her life will take her, what her joys will be, what sorrows will visit her. I have so many hopes for her, and so many fears. At my most philosophical, I realize that we each have our own paths to walk in this world, and she is no different than anyone else, but I also feel a powerful urge to do everything in my power to direct her and protect her. A happy medium, I'm sure, is to provide her with love and guidance and all the tools she will need to make good decisions, and then to pray for a sprinkle of luck and sunshine to light her path.
She will be joining us any day now. It's hard for me to imagine all the changes that are in store for all of us, but I know they are coming.
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