20 Weeks

I am 20 weeks along today, and growing bigger by the week. This was confirmed at my OB appointment today, where they noted a four pound gain over the past month. If you break that down, I've gained a pound a week. I have to say that it's really strange to go from desperately trying to push the numbers down on the scale to purposefully pushing them up. Jeff is constantly reminding me that it's okay to eat a little more, and I am constantly reminding him that really, I should only be eating a LITTLE more, not an entire pizza more. I'm grateful that I have yoga and spinning so that even as the scale steadily marches upwards, I still feel fit and healthy.

Interestingly, now that I'm free from the constant struggle to stay THIN THINNER THINNEST I actually feel much more positive about my body. Focusing on healthy foods (with a layer of decadent junk on top) and taking care of myself turns out to be much more agreeable than picking myself and my choices apart, calorie by calorie. I hope this lesson stays with me after the pregnancy, as it provides a much welcome level of freedom in my thoughts and in my spirit.

Here's a picture of me that Jeff took last night. It's fascinating to watch the changes that are taking place, even though I swear I feel a lot bigger than I look in this particular picture.

Baby Girl Taylor

"It's a girl."

When the ultrasound technician made her pronouncement, her wand on my lower left belly, baby girl bits on bright display on the overhead screen, I think my heart stopped a beat. A girl. I'm having a daughter. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I felt Jeff's hand gently cup the top of my head, softly pressing down until I reached up, our hands squeezed together, that silent communication between two people of joy and excitement and the utter wonder of it all. I exhaled and reminded myself to breathe, and then said a silent hello to this little girl, this unknown daughter, this future bright light, and I was filled with such intense gratitude for this wonderful little she-creature curled up inside of me, lost in the business of growing and stretching and tossing and turning, unaware and unconcerned and already so very loved.

Attack of the Hormones

Pregnancy (or maybe the hormones associated with it) are apparently making me kind of crazy/soft in the head. Last night Jeff put on GI Joe (the film? not a cartoon) and it totally triggered a panic attack. I literally ran out of the room, mumbling "too violent, too violent" then ran upstairs where I had to wash my face with cold water and then sit on my bed trying to hold it together, bombarded with images of watching a little child grow up, loving said child to pieces, then having someone shoot him/her out of the sky with a missile.

I had to calm myself down by watching Tosh.O.

Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own head. I've started thinking really random, strange, non-scientific thoughts about how now I have two brains (one in my head, one in my belly), and wondering if this somehow changes the way you think. I know, ridiculous. But still….two brains!