Into the Valley

Life has taken a strange turn of events recently, hence the lack of progress updates here. My father passed away quite unexpectedly on Saturday, August 20th, while on vacation with my mom and my sister and her family. A few days later, my mother had a nasty fall down some stairs and broke her arm and wrist, which requires surgery. I've been home to Michigan to help my mother and releive my sister, who is doing the majority of the caretaking back in Lansing. I'm now back in Minnesota, although I'm planning another trip home for the funeral for my dad.

All this time, of course, the pregnancy continues. On the one hand, it's positive because I'm unable to practice even the smallest amount of self destructive behavior, but on the other hand it is difficult to balance the required self-care with the care that I need to extend to my family and the energy that gets consumed with the grieving process. It's like walking an emotional tight rope.

I feel a bit like a Macy's day parade balloon that has had all but one of my tethers cut…I'm floating above the ground with only the most tenuous of connections to what's happening below. I'm doing my best to be focused and present, but I find my mind wandering in the midst of conversations, and rather than participating I feel much more like an observer watching myself go through the motions (nod, smile, make small comment, nod some more).

Except for when the stabs of grief bubble up to the surface (always unexpected, always uncontrollable), the only thing that seems to pull me back into myself are the various kicks and flutters of the baby. I hope that she inherits some of her grandfather's joyous spirit and appreciation of the beauty that surrounds us at all times, if we only take the time to stop and look. Throughout his life, my father retained an almost child-like ability to rejoice in the world around him…I want to show this little girl how to do the same.