Sleeping

Lily is just over 20 months old, and only recently started sleeping through the night on a regular basis.  Coming out of a perpetual sleep-deprived state has been a revelation, to put it lightly.  For about a year there I convinced myself that I was okay, that I was somehow managing to make it through my days relatively unscathed by my mangled sleep pattern.  But then, as sleep returned to my world, so did the realization that I had made a HUGE FUCKING MESS out of MANY, MANY things.  I look back on reports that I wrote and see errors all over the place.  I remember fights that I picked with Jeff, triggered by the smallest and most random things.  I see pictures of myself and think “holy hell, Batman, who let me out of the house looking like THAT?”  I am beginning to understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

But then, once in a while, still, Lily wakes up in the middle of the night, crying.  And I slip downstairs in the dead of night and fumble in the refrigerator for the milk, and I quietly steal into her room.  I lift her up, the sheer weight of her both a surprise and a comfort, and I settle down into the recliner where she drinks her milk and then immediately rolls over onto her stomach so that she is curled against my chest, her soft fuzzy hair tickling under my chin, her warm breath against my cheek, and I remember why I never fought the nighttime with her.  

 

 

On Facebook

I’ve noticed a certain trend amongst my friends lately, one that, at first, made me questions some of my decisions.  However, upon further thought, I have decided that I just don’t care.  This trend happens to be the “Facebook is dumb and I don’t spend any time on it” trend.  For a minute or two I questioned my own use of Facebook, considered that perhaps I was sharing too much of myself and my family, but this line of self-doubt didn’t last very long.  Because, my friends, I am here to say, for the record, that 1) I am very uncool and 2) I love Facebook.  It’s true.  I love looking at pictures of my far-flung family and friends, seeing their faces reflected in their ever growing children.  I love knowing what people are interested in, what makes them laugh and what makes them think, and while OF COURSE I would rather have these conversations and photo-sharing sessions in person, the fact is that I can’t, at least not that often.  And that’s where Facebook fills in the gaps.  People lament that social media has, perversely, made us more disconnected from one another, but I’m not sure I totally buy into that argument.  I feel closer to my friends after I’ve viewed pictures of their vacations, like I’m a small part of their lives, and I’m grateful to people for sharing these moments with other people, albeit rather anonymously.  I can watch my nephews lose their teeth, graduate from kindergarten, and eat pizza.  I can follow my favorite bloggers and know when they post something new.  None of this makes me feel less connected from the world, and since we’ve already established that I’m patently uncool, I think I’ll just keep on keeping on.

Besides, how else would I bombard people with pictures like these?